


What Do You See When You Look At Me?

by lizibabes



Series: Hurt/Comfort Bingo [7]
Category: Adam Lambert (Musician)
Genre: Dark fic, Eating Disorders, M/M, Sex, Swearing, potentially triggering.
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-26
Updated: 2011-12-26
Packaged: 2017-10-28 05:12:12
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/304120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lizibabes/pseuds/lizibabes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Fill for the Eating disorders prompt on my H/C Bingo card. Adam's new boyfriend makes a point of always reminding Tommy that he's not a threat, Adam likes skinny boys and according to him Tommy doesn't fill that description. How far will Tommy go to make Adam see him? And will any body see that Tommy has a problem?</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Do You See When You Look At Me?

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: I_glitterz  
> Disclaimer: I don’t own any of the characters in this story and as far as I’m aware this never happened.  
> The OC male paired with Adam is not based on any of Adam Lambert's boyfriends, past or present. I'm not bashing anyone, this is all made up. Multiple POV. This was hard to write. I wanted to write about someone who knew they had a problem, didn't lie to themselves about it, but logic aside still hated what they saw in the mirror.

Tommy pov

He only joined the gym to keep Adam company. He didn't want to work out, was actually okay with the way he looked, finally passed trying to bulk up, but Adam had looked at him, all big blue puppy dog eyes and he'd agreed. They had almost three months off before they would be doing any real work, so Adam signed them up to some place swanky and easy for them both to get to. Mainly, it was as bad as Tommy had thought it would be, everyone stared at him, his tattoo's, his hair, his clothes. Tommy didn't really fit in with the keep fit crowd. Adam didn't seem to notice, he looked like he belonged in his newly bought sporty gym clothes, water bottle in one hand and minimal makeup, because even though Adam could leave the house without glitter, he rarely went anywhere without a little eyeliner.

Tommy hates the other people, sort of hates working out even though he's not in bad shape after all the yoga Isaac and Sophia had him doing. He has fun with Adam though, likes getting to spend a couple of days a week with his best friend. He knows they would hang out anyway, but going to the gym with Adam guarantees he gets to spend time with Adam. And then James turns up, fitness instructor and uber twink, he's all over Adam in seconds after meeting him. Tommy had known a personal trainer was a shitty idea, but he'd thought it would be good because they would have to work harder, not because the guy would hit on Adam. Tommy isn't jealous, he's not, its just, he is coming to the gym for Adam, to keep Adam company, it would nice not to be ignored for some guy who probably still gets carded in bars. Bro's before Ho's, if that even applies when the ho could count as a bro, Tommy doesn't know. What he does know is that the gym becomes even less fun with James around.

James doesn't like him, three lessons in, he's still getting his name wrong, he ignores Tommy half the time and always finds fault in how he's doing stuff. He knows Adam's name, of course he does, can rattle off facts about Adam like he's his wiki page or something. James praises Adam even if he doesn't do too well at something, doesn't blink when Adam turns up one day so hungover he's hardly able to function. He asks Tommy if he drank and bitches about it. Tommy tries to casually mention not using James after that, but Adam thinks he is a nice guy, just firm, picking up on Tommy's reluctance to be there, his lack of commitment. It pisses Tommy off that the guy has Adam fooled, so he works harder, but nothing changes. James isn't openly hostile, but Tommy can tell James is being more than a firm instructor in the way he acts around him.

Then one day, Adam gets a call he has to take while there at the gym and Tommy is left alone with James. He tries to focus on running, but a treadmill isn't that interesting. When he glances up, James is staring at him.

"What?" Tommy just about avoids snapping at the guy, surely he isn't going to find a problem with how Tommy runs on the spot.

"Oh nothing, its just all that talk about how your exactly Adam's type and your really not. I mean, he doesn't hide his preferences and your not exactly as skinny as he likes, are you? I mean, look at your stomach, look at mine, no contest." James laughs and against Tommy's better judgement, he looks at James flat toned stomach, muscle definition clear through his tight T-shirt. Tommy knows he doesn't look like that, doesn't dress like that.

"No wonder he suggested you join a gym." James adds and Tommy wants to correct him. It was Adam who wanted to get healthy while he could, but he got bored doing it alone, that was why he'd ask Tommy along, that was it, right? He doesn't get a chance to speak though before Adam bounces back into the room all smiles.

Tommy's quiet for the rest of there session. When Adam asks him to come to lunch after, he says no. He tells Adam he's busy, tells himself he's not hungry, but his stomach growls, calling him out as a liar. He goes home alone, glad that the place is empty, he's thinking about maybe making a sandwich when Adam texts him. He'd taken James out to lunch, their going out again, Adam really likes him. James, skinny, pretty boy, twink, Adam's type, the way everyone but James has been saying he's Adams type. It shouldn't matter, its not like he wants to be Adam's type, apart from sometimes he sort of does. He tries to convince himself he's just mad that Adam's dating an asshole, its nothing to do with him wanting Adam. He uses the anger as an excuse not to eat, its easier to pretend that its anger making his stomach churn, than except that he cannot get James’ words out of his head.

He starts going to the gym more after that, going on days when he doesn't have plans with Adam to go there. When Adam tells him James is his boyfriend, he starts going everyday, its just because he is bored now that he has less time to hang out with Adam, he's just going to the gym to keep occupied, he gets bored easily. It sounds enough like the truth that even he believes it half the time. Whenever he does go, James is there, quick to point out his faults when Adam isn't listening. Mike asks if he's trying to bulk up, get muscle's again, not that he ever had many, his arms are toned from playing and that's all. He tells Mike he's just trying to get healthy between tours. Mike doesn't question the lie. Tommy knows he's lying to people, to himself, he doesn't get how he can be so aware that maybe he's developing a problem, but still not trying to stop it. He knows damn well he's exercising more than he really needs to, knows he has started to eat less, but he can't seem to fucking stop. Being aware that he might have a problem isn't doing jack shit to help him.

Adam decides the Glamily, along with all other friends and spouses, should come to a party at his house, so they don't get a chance to miss each other while they’re not touring. Normally, a party at Adam's would rock, but he already knows James will be there, Twitter has been full of pictures of Adam and James out and around town for weeks now. Adam always looks so happy, James always looks smug, but Tommy doesn't want to do anything to ruin Adam's happiness and that means avoiding arguing with James. So Tommy avoids Adam at his own party, because James never leaves his side. Tommy ends up sitting on a sofa, holding a bottle of fizzy in his hand, but not drinking it, he likes fizzy water, sometimes it tricks his stomach into thinking its full and he skipped breakfast today, lunch as well, he was busy, he'd gone for a run and to the gym before he'd needed to get ready for the party. Besides, he knocked enough booze back on tour, probably made his beer belly worse.

"Hi, is something up? Your kind of sitting alone and not talking to anyone, at a party." Sutan says with a frown that somehow manages to look fond, as he sits down next to Tommy.

"Not alone now." Tommy points out. He takes a sip of his water, because its something to do with his mouth other than talk.

"Well, no Mr Ratliff, what crawled up your ass and died?" Sutan asks, sounding so cheerful.

"Nothing, I guess I'm just cranky, I haven't been sleeping well." Its so easy to blame his insomnia for his behaviour, they all already know about it, so it lends the lies a sense of truth, helping to fool people who are not at all gullible.

"Oh baby, you should have said. I wouldn't have nagged at you." Sutan puts an arm around his shoulders and Tommy feels like pond scum. Sutan shouldn't be apologizing. He's right, Tommy is acting weird.

"Its okay. People should have a good time, its a party, I'm a buzz kill." Tommy sighs.

"Hush up, you are not. So you met Adam's new boy toy before us. What do you think?" Sutan asks, peering across to where Adam is standing with James under his arm, both casually glamorous, suits no ties. He used to be under Adam's arm at these things, but he never looked like that, probably never made Adam smile like that either. The pang in his heart feels nothing like heart burn and he hasn't eaten anything anyways, but he refuses to admit the pain has anything to do with looking at Adam and James.

"He's Adam's type." Tommy shrugs, desperately trying to act like he doesn't care.

They chat a while longer and Sutan doesn't question his behaviour again. Sutan picks up on most things, if he can fool him, he can fool anyone. He drinks water all night and it is so simple to just say he's laying off the booze after tour, its so believable. He knows people are more likely to think he's trying to get past a drinking problem that they didn't notice than to think he's avoiding calories. Alcohol is nothing but empty calories, he's heard it a thousand times before, he never gave a fuck before, though. Now though, cutting out booze seems like a great way to lose a few of the extra pounds he's carrying. Then maybe, just maybe Adam will start looking at him again, hold him again. He has James. Adam doesn't need him and James is as he said to Sutan, just Adams type, skinny.

When he starts going for an early morning run each day, Mike gives him a weird look, but doesn't comment, he offers him breakfast and Tommy lies telling him he eats before he runs. Mike is never awake early enough to catch him in the lie. Mike does comment again on how often he is going to the gym, so Tommy doesn't always tell him that is where he's going. He'll say he's meeting someone from the band and he keeps a spare gym bag in the trunk of his car. It makes him feel like he's sneaking off to see a mistress instead of going to get fit, but he can't handle all the questions.

He's been getting a lot of dizzy spells, but Adam and James have been together almost a month before Tommy faints. He's not long back from a run, stripping off to weigh himself before he showers. He weighs himself everyday now, in the morning, after runs, and just before he tries to sleep. He couldn't sleep last night, but he got up and went for a run anyway, despite the protests of his tired and hungry body. He's just off the scales, looking at his stomach from every possible angle in the mirror, trying to make it look the way he wants it to, like James, when the whole room spins. He grabs the sink just in time, his vision goes black for a couple of seconds and his heart starts beating too fast. The second his vision starts to clear, he sways his way over to the toilet, puts the seat down and tries to breath normally.

Tommy goes to the kitchen after that, its not dinner yet, but maybe he should eat something earlier today. He's gotten so good at ignoring his hunger these past weeks. He has heard that you get past the point of hunger if you go long enough without food, but he hasn't been going totally without, always having at least one meal a day. So the hunger hasn't left him, he's always hungry, but its in the background these days, he's not ruled by it. He won't be ruled and ruined by a growling stomach. He decides when he eats and when he doesn't eat, he is in control. He makes a breakfast of toast and fruit and some yogurt Mikes girlfriend brought them. He eats it all sitting alone at the kitchen table. He hasn't eat this early in weeks and his stomach feels horribly bloated, he feels disgusted with himself, this wasn't control, one near fainting spell and he hits the food, no wonder he can't get rid of his stomach. It makes him feel sick and that is all the excuse he needs to go back to the bathroom. He won't stop feeling sick until he gets rid of the food, its making him ill. He's never done it before and it takes a few tries, on his knees in front of cold white porcelain, his fingers down his throat. His gag reflex isn't really that sensitive so its hard, but eventually he finds the right place and the right amount of pressure. Its easy after that, the food comes up, sure it burns his throat a little and his chest hurts from how hard his heart is beating, but its okay, he doesn't feel sick anymore. Mike only just stumbles out of bed when Tommy is brushing his teeth to get rid of the taste of bile.

After the first time it gets easier, whenever he feels like he has to eat more than he would like, meals at his Moms, or at Monte and Lisa's, he just eats as much as he knows they think he should and then he gets rid of it. He knows, he fucking knows its even worse for him than skipping meals and too much exercise is, but every time he steps on the scales and sees the numbers have gone down, it makes it feel right. He looks in the mirror every night, sucking in his stomach, poking at it. Its still not good enough, James looked at him and saw it, the fat, a lot of people might see him as small, but they are missing this flaw. James didn't and Adam wouldn't have, the man is a perfectionist, of course he has noticed Tommy isn't tiny, isn't his type. He can admit it, but only to himself that he wishes he was Adam's type. He hates himself for what he is doing, but he hates the imperfections more.

Sutan pov

He hasn't seen Adam alone in weeks, so when his friend called and asked him to lunch, he jumped at it. So now they’re sitting together in a nice little restaurant planning what shops to hit once there finished.

"You seem happy." Sutan comments, he's always pleased to see his friends happy, even if he isn't sure about the person bringing the happiness. James had seemed bitchy and not in a cute or funny way, not like Brad could be bitchy. He seemed distant at Adam's party, eyes only for Adam, no time for his friends, but then maybe he was a little star struck by his boyfriend and Sutan was being a little harsh. He wasn't sure.

"I am, well I'm not sure if James is the one, but its going pretty well. Next time Raja does a show, can I bring him?" Adam asks, smile faltering only for a second, but its long enough for Sutan to know things are not going as well with James as Adam had hoped.

"Sure hun, bring who ever you like. Bring everyone if you like. I miss everyone, which is silly, its been weeks and that's just in person. I tweet, I text, I call. If I lost my phone, I'd die." Sutan sighs dramatically.

"I know what you mean. I saw some of my friends every day, feels weird not to anymore. Its ridiculous, on tour we all said we wanted more space at times, living in each others pockets was hard, but now, I want them all here all the time." Adam sighs.

They eat, talking about the tour, the places they went, and the things that happened. They fill each other in on what they know their friends are up to, its nice, he's missed gossiping with his friend, he is not leaving it weeks again. There coming out of the first shop of the day when Adam bumps into a guy who Sutan doesn't recognise, which isn't weird really, he doesn't know all Adam's friends, but this guy is giving Adam a puzzled look.

"Mike hi, this is Sutan. Sultan, Mike, Tommy Joe's friend and roommate." Adam smiles, gesturing between them.

The guy nods, but he still looks puzzled, he looks at the bags they are both carrying and then around like something is missing.

"I though Tommy was with you today." Mike finally says, which explains the confused look he's wearing.

"Nope, just me and Sutan, catching up. Did Tommy say we had plans? I don't think I'd forget." Adam frowns.

Sutan has seen the way his friend looks at the not-so-natural blonde, and he doesn't think Adam would forget if they had plans either.

"Nah, its nothing like that, he went to the gym this morning and he joined with you. So I just thought he went with you." Mike shrugs.

"Tommy's going to the gym alone? But, he hates the gym." Adam points out.

"He says he sat around too much on tour, so while he can be, he's like being active. Gym, running and shit. I keep saying if he wants to do something, he should clean the apartment, but he never does, but then neither do I." Mike laughs.

Sutan has heard enough from Tommy himself to know that his and Mike's place is the straight boy stereotype apartment. Possibly messier than a guys dorm at college and with more empty beer cans. Sutan still didn't get how making a pyramid out of them was an achievement, let alone a reason to take pictures and show them off the same way someone would show off a picture of a new born. Straight boys, he didn't get it.

"Huh, well tell him I'll see him soon, okay?" Adam asks.

Mikes nods, says a quick goodbye and then heads off.

"Tommy runs?" Sutan asks, Tommy seems way too laid back to go running. The little blonde never even rushes, so the idea of him running and for fun is a little bit mind boggling.

"He didn't mention it. I bullied him into keeping me company at the gym. I mean, Isaac and Sophia got him to go to yoga and that's harder than the gym, I think. So, I though he wouldn't mind. I guess he's gotten into it?" Adam suggests.

"You didn't pick him for company because he goes yoga, you picked him because he's your favourite." Sutan teased.

"Please don't joke like that. James is weirdly jealous of Tommy. Even though I made it clear the stage play doesn't mean anything, and Tommy's straight." Adam groans.

"Tommy being straight only tells James he doesn't want you, not that you don't want him. Maybe if the three of you hang out more, he'll see that you and Tommy are just really close friends." Sutan suggested, he kind of though Adam had a huge thing for Tommy, big enough that it was worth being jealous over, even if the bass player didn't reciprocate.

"Maybe, I'll bring them both to your next show. I can't believe Tommy never mentioned he'd started running. Is that weird?" Adam asked.

"I don't know, maybe he thought it wasn't a big deal, ask him if it bugs you that much." Sutan shrugged as they started walking.

"I might." Adam nodded.

They went back to there shopping trip and Sutan pretty much forgot all about boy drama and Tommy running. Which was why a week later when Brad of all people called him saying he was worried about Tommy, he had no idea why.

Brad pov

"I'm worried about Tommy. But I didn't want to freak out Adam. I figured you'd be calmer about it." Brad says in a rush. He's pretty damn worried, has been since he met Adam and James at there gym to go to lunch and ran into Tommy who wasn't going with them, which was weird in itself. Its not like Adam's kitty would have been crashing a date if he came.

"What's wrong with Tommy?" Sutan asks, he sounds concerned, but he's not freaking out, which is why out of all the people who he knows, who knows both Adam and Tommy, he picked Sutan.

"When I saw him, I hugged him, boys still a cuddle slut." Brad smiled, he was quiet fond of the blonde, and it was never easy to like the man your ex clearly loved, no matter what said ex claimed.

"Not seeing why your concerned yet cheeks." Sutan sighed.

"The boy was a bag of bones. When did you last see him?" Brad asked, shuddering even now thinking back to how Tommy had felt in his arms, it had been like hugging a skeleton, all sharp, hard bone, no soft flesh.

"It's been a few weeks since I saw him in person. I'll call him, meet him for lunch and call you back, boys always been tiny, maybe your overreacting." Sutan suggests.

"I hope I am, but tell me that once you feel the way he feels under his shirt." Brad sighs. He catches up with Sutan a little and the broods. He feels a little better when Sutan texts him to say he has a lunch date with Tommy.

The day he knows his friends are having lunch, he stays almost glued to his phone. He almost drops it in his rush to answer when he sees Sutan's name flashing on the display.

"Hi Sutan." Brad throws himself into a chair, he hates standing up when he's on the phone.

"Hi Brad. Your right, he has gotten skinnier, I asked him about it, he says he was sick for a few days, that it hit him hard." Sutan sounds like he doubts the words even as he says them.

"Did he eat his lunch?" Brad asks.

"Yeah." Sutan says.

"Did he go to the bathroom straight after?" Brad has seen it before, pale skin, skinny bodies, he knows the difference between a naturally small and skinny body, like his, like Tommy's before and the way Tommy is now.

"Yes." Sutan’s breath hisses out as he probably catches on to what Brad is thinking.

"Fuck." Brad groans, he's seen this before, more than once, more with girls, but he's seen men with ribs you can count easily as well, men who don't eat very often, but when they do, they always disappear almost right after, reappearing with minty fresh breath.

"Tommy wouldn't do that would he? I mean, the boy doesn't do diets or healthy. Wait, I was with Adam, we ran into Tommy's roommate, he said Tommy had been going running and to the gym without Adam. That's not really like him either, is it?" Sutan sounded as worried now as Brad had felt when he wrapped his arms around Tommy only to find there was even less of his already small form.

"You need to talk to someone, maybe if you catch him in a lie over being ill he'll open up?" Brad suggested. Confronting Tommy wasn't something they could do easily, more so if they were right than if they were wrong. Brad didn't want to make things worse if there was a problem.

"I'll call Isaac, maybe Monte, they both spend a lot of time with him. I'll tell you what I find out." Sutan sounded shaken, like he hadn't wanted to think anything was wrong with Tommy, but he was seeing that there was.

"Thanks, look after our boy." Brad ordered. He liked Tommy, loved his laid back attitude and how he was with Adam, the blonde kept Adam level, looked after him on tour, kept him sane through simple things like cuddling and affection. Brad knew how much Adam needed to be able to touch, hug and kiss, it wasn't even about sex, it was about closeness.

They didn't make small talk this time, they were both worried about Tommy and not hiding it from each other, but Brad would hide it from Adam till he was sure.

Adam pov

He drives to Tommy's place after Sutan calls him. A lot of his friends are worried about Tommy. Sutan and Brad both say he's gotten too skinny, when his ex and one of his best friends started talking, he doesn't know. Isaac has told them that Tommy got dizzy in yoga and had seemed almost too calm about it, even for Tommy who isn't prone to panicking. Monte has said he looks pale, his face a little gaunt when they've met to play. He remembers Mike, knows he'd been going to the gym and running without mentioning it. He pulls up at Tommy's place with his head swimming. They have to be wrong, Tommy can't be ill, he would have noticed, he sees him at the gym and surely James would have noticed, he's there personal instructor after all.

No one answers when he first knocks, after he pounds a few more times, the door opens revealing Mike. Its obvious that he woke Mike up by the rumpled hair, clothes and the expression on his face.

"Is Tommy home?" Adam asks, desperate to see Tommy for himself, so that he can see if all these little bits of information put together, that tell such a bad story are really right. He wants them all to be wrong, for one persons misplaced concern having had them all putting two and two together and coming up with five.

"I can hear water running, so he must be showering. You can come in." Mike pretty much grunts. He walks back into the apartment, leaving the door open so he can follow or maybe because he's still too asleep to remember to close it.

Adam watches Mike go for coffee on a similar zombie auto-pilot to Tommy in the mornings and it makes him smile. He sits on the sofa and waits. After his second cup of coffee, Mike is awake enough to be more human than zombie and he offers Adam a coffee. He's finished his cup and Mike is on his fourth cup and Tommy is still in the shower.

"Does he always take this long?" Adam asked. He didn't on tour, not even in hotel rooms.

"No, you don't think he's like fallen or something?" Mike asks.

"I hadn't thought of that till you said it, but yeah, now I'm worried." Adam glances at the bathroom door, he can hear the water running and nothing else. He doesn't add that he's even more worried that Tommy might have slipped and fallen, given what Isaac said about him having dizzy spells.

They don't say anything, they just both get up and go to the door. Ear pressed to the wood while Mike does the same, he should feel stupid, but he's too worried to feel stupid, his heart won't stop racing and it’s making it hard to hear.

"All I can hear is water." Mike comments and then almost the second he falls silent Adam hears it. A small, pained noise, so quiet he would think he had imagined it, if not for Mike pulling away from the door to look at him.

"You heard that?" Adam asks, swallowing thickly around the lump that has formed in his throat.

"Yeah." Mike nods, looking a little pale.

"Can we break down your bathroom door?" Adam says, even as he tries to push it open.

"Lets do it." Mike's permission is all Adam needs, he slams his body weight into the door, which hurts like a bitch, but it doesn't open. It rattled the door though and there is no reaction from inside, like there should be if someone was okay in there.

Mike lines his shoulder up with the door, they count down and on three, they both slam into the wood, there is a loud crunching sound as the lock and the door swings open. The first thing Adam notices is that the shower is empty. Maybe a second later, he spots Tommy, passed out, fully clothed on the floor in front of the toilet. Adam rushes over and the smell of vomit hits him, even as he is turning Tommy over.

"Call an ambulance!" Adam yells at Mike. His hands fluttering over Tommy's body, he has a pulse, he's breathing, he opens his mouth, pushes back his head, his airways are clear, all his mind keeps saying is "what else?" He knows there has to be more, something else he should do or check, before he knows it, paramedics are there, telling him he did a good job. Neither he nor Mike are family, so they can't go in the ambulance, Mike drives them instead. Adam calls people while Mike drives, Tommy's mom and sister. Then he calls Sutan and Brad, they were the ones who noticed something was wrong, they both promise to call everyone else who needs to know.

They get put into a room to wait, a room that steadily grows fuller as time passes, there are a lot of people who care about Tommy. Adam wonders why none of them noticed something was wrong sooner. He's felt Tommy's chest when feeling for a heart beat, his ribs, bones stuck out, you could easily count them. Tommy had never been big, but you didn't get that small over night, they should have seen sooner, he should have seen sooner. Neither Sutan or Brad had thought to get in touch with James it seems, maybe they don't even have his number. Adam cannot find it in himself to go out of the hospital and call him, he should want his boyfriend here to comfort him, but he doesn't. Adam is glad Mrs Ratliff lets them all stay, she could get them kicked out, there not blood relatives, but she doesn't ask them to go, she hugs those who offer comfort and at some point, Adam notices she has begun to cry softly. He doesn't know how hard it must be for her, especially having lost her husband so recently and now she is sitting in a hospital waiting room, waiting to hear if her son is okay.

When the doctor comes, he offers to speak to Mrs Ratliff in private, but she says it is okay, Tommy's friends need to know as well. She says she knows he and Mike must be scared after finding Tommy, so they deserve answers. Adam isn't sure what he deserves after missing this, after failing to see how ill his friend was, but he wants to know if he is okay, so he keeps quiet.

"Your son passed out, mainly due to dehydration and malnutrition. He was also suffering from physical fatigue. From my exam, it would seem he is suffering from anorexia and from how he was found, I feel it is safe to say he is also bulimic. Its more common in men than you would think, normally in teenagers, but its not unheard of in older men. I have him on a drip to replace lost fluids and something to start building him up. I'll be keeping him in for now and recommending he talk to a physiologist." Tommy's Mom breaks down at the doctor’s words and his sister tries to comfort her, even though she looks sick with shock herself. The doctor stays trying to explain what he can. Tommy is allowed visitors, but his Mom doesn't think he should see her as devastated as she is. Which is why Adam finds himself heading to Tommy's room with Mike, Monte, Brad and Sutan, not a group he ever pictured himself as a part of going anywhere.

They make there way into Tommy's room almost silently, he looks too pale even against the white sheets and his limbs hardly make bumps in the covers, he's so small, so fragile. Adam saw him at the gym all the time, how did he miss this?

"Jesus fuck, Tommy. You scared the shit out of me." Mike blurts out.

"You found me?" Tommy asks, he brushes back his hair and then winces when it makes the needle for the drip shift in his hand.

"Me and Adam." Mike nods and Tommy's eyes close briefly at that, like knowing who found him hurts him.

"Why?" Brad asks softly and Adam glances to his ex to see his eyes are glossy with unshed tears, for all Brad's jokes about Tommy being his closeted boytoy, they actually get on really well, like the rest of them, Brad cares about Tommy. No one needs to ask what he means by why either, they all know he means why have you been doing this to yourself?

"I, its not a big deal, I just wanted to get healthy." Tommy mumbles, his sharper than ever chin touching his chest, he's not looking at any of them as he speaks.

"Baby, this isn't healthy." Sutan whispers, Brad takes his hand and Adam knows its out of comfort and nothing else. He wants to hug them both himself, for noticing before it went even further.

"I wish I'd never made you come to the gym, maybe then you wouldn't have done this." Adam knows now Tommy has been going to the gym everyday. Before, Adam made him go to keep him company, he hadn't been the kind of guy to go once a week, let alone once a day.

He notices a single tear escape and flow down Tommy's cheek at the mention of the gym.

"I don't get it, I sort of got wanting muscles, but why do you want to be smaller?" Mike asked, he'd been in Tommy's life when he had tried to change his body before, but that had been different, Adam knows without having been there how different it was.

Tommy shakes his head a little, but gives no real answer.

"We're not attacking you, Tommy. But man, we’re worried about you. Please tell us what's wrong. Why you’re doing this?" Monte pretty much begs.

"I had to change, before you noticed I was flawed. He saw and maybe you already had, I just had to change. People thought you saw one thing when you looked at me, but he said you didn't and maybe you suggested we go to the gym for a reason." Tommy rambles out, voice thick with tears. He glances at Adam, so he knows he must be the you. He has no idea why he is the you or who else Tommy is talking about.

"Baby, you are not flawed. You are so beautiful and kind, not to mention, talented. Why would I think your flawed?" Adam asked.

"Don't say that." Tommy chokes on the words, his voice is that tight. It’s clear he's holding in tears.

"Say what? Everything he said is true." Sutan says firmly and Brad nods in agreement.

"I'm not beautiful, you like tiny guys, like Brad and James." Tommy mutters, hands balling into fists in the sheets.

"And you, we all tease Adam about it because your his type, but you know, straight." Brad points out.

“I'm not his type, James said so, and he should know." Tommy blurts out and then he quickly covers his mouth with his hand, like he hadn't meant to say that.

"Who the hell is James?" Mike asks.

"Adam's boyfriend. He's a personal trainer at the gym Tommy and Adam go to." Sutan explains.

"Then shouldn't he know Tommy's been going to the gym everyday? Or at least more than just with you?" Mike asks, looking at him and Adam swallows. Mike is right, James might not work everyday, but he works often enough that he should have run into Tommy at some point. And even if he didn't, surely someone working there would mention to James one of his clients coming in all the time.

"He never mentioned it, but he never brings up Tommy. He's jealous of him." Adam admits.

"No he's not, he told me he didn't need to be, that I wasn't the threat to your relationships people see me as. Because even if I wanted you, you don't really want me, I'm not what you want, I'm too fat." Tommy said in a rush, more tears spilling free, he clenched his eyes shut, like he wanted to stop himself from crying.

"Wait, did James, Adam's boyfriend James, tell you that you were too fat for Adam to want you?" Monte asks, looking murderous.

Tommy just nods.

"That dirty little fucker." Monte growls. Since having kids, Monte has taught himself to cut back on the cuss words, knowing how easy kids pick stuff like that up, so its been a while since Adam heard him say that.

"What? That jealous bitch called you fat? How often? You cannot believe him, Tommy. He was lying, please see that." Brad looks like he is ready to scratch someone eyes out.  
Adam takes his phone out of his pocket and ignoring the signs, calls James. He picks up right away.

"Adam, baby, where are you?" James asks.

"Oh, no where, James." Everyone looks at him then, even Tommy opens his eyes.

"Sutan's joined our gym, he heard such a silly rumour. Someone said Tommy goes every day! Isn't that silly, I mean you would have told me for one and its not like the boy needs a gym at all." Adam says all false brightness, he sees Brad nod his approval.

"Well, I've never seen him, but I might have missed him. You called to talk to me about how Tommy doesn't need the gym? Really, Adam?" James huffs.

"Wait, you haven't heard it all, one of the other instructors said you called Tommy fat." Adam laughs, but there isn't a shred of humour in it.

"That is a lie!" James yells and his denial comes a little too quick, too forceful, he doesn't even ask details, like who had said it or why they would. If James hadn't said it, he would have pointed out calling Tommy fat was stupid, seen as Tommy had always been tiny, right from the first gym session.

"Tell me the truth, James. I won't get mad." Adam promises.

"Fine, I called him a few names. But I just couldn't stand how he was with you, he wanted all of your attention, even though you got nothing out of it because he was straight. I just wanted him to back off and stop using his looks to control you." James whines.

"We are over. I never want to see you again, James. I can't believe you would bully my friend because you think I give them too much attention. I can't be with someone so hurtful." Adam couldn't believe James had pushed Tommy to this out of jealousy, it wasn't like Adam could even have Tommy, he was straight. James had found a vulnerability and exploited it. Adam didn't think Tommy could have been truly happy with his looks to begin with if this happened, but he was damn sure James had been the trigger.

"You said you wouldn't get mad!" James yells.

"I am beyond mad." Adam says and then he hangs up and turns his phone off. He is not going to waste any more breath on James.

"I want to hurt him." Brad growls.

"I'll help." Sutan offers, which is saying a lot considering Sutan is against violence, but then, he loves Tommy like family and that can change a lot.

Adam moves closer to the bed, edging around Mike, who looks half stunned and half like he might help out Sutan and Brad. Adam gets close to Tommy and takes his hand and Monte passes him a tissue to give to Tommy, who is having limited success holding back the tears.

"Baby, we all love you and we will all help you get better if you let us. Do you want that?" Adam knows it is nearly impossible to get someone with an eating disorder to change there ways unless they want to. Its not the sort of problem you can fix for someone else's benefit, you needed to want to get better yourself.

"I know this isn't normal or right, I always did, always knew I had a problem, but I don't want you to look at me and see something ugly." Tommy whispers, its heart breaking to hear but good in away, like with an addiction admitting you have a problem is the first step for many people in learning to control it, because Adam knows from the women and men he has known with these sort of issues that the problem never goes away. No matter what weight the person is at, be it health or unhealthy, the mentality is always there. The body of someone with an eating disorder changes, but a part of there mind will always think the way it did, they will see them self as too fat, count the calories in food. They can get a lot better, stop damaging themselves, but it never truly leaves them.

They all take shifts visiting with Tommy whilst he is in the hospital, Adam hardly ever leaves him, he is there as often as Tommy's Mom, if not more so. She even asks Adam if he is dating Tommy. The way Tommy looks at him, the way he blushes, makes Adam think maybe they could date, maybe Tommy will want that, but he won't mess with his head like that until Tommy is more himself again. When he is released from hospital, he agrees to see a therapist and Mike throws away his gym membership. They never leave Tommy alone at mealtimes or for a good hour after. Adam feels guilty about the fact that Tommy had thought Adam had took him to the gym to lose weight, feels guilty for being the reason James was in their life at all. Somehow, Tommy finds out about his guilt, Adam suspects Brad let it slip and he makes Adam go talk to someone to. Misplaced guilt, attraction towards your straight best friend, its good to have someone to talk to.

Tommy has been out of hospital and is looking a lot healthier again when he starts telling Adam about his sessions. The stuff he is talking about, why he thinks he did what he did. When he tells him he didn't complain about James because James made him happy, Adam drags Tommy into a hug and balls into his shoulder. Tommy makes it clear that he doesn't blame him. Tommy tells him about control issues a week after that, feeling out of control, how James fed into his insecurities, especially the thoughts Tommy had about him, he hadn't thought Adam wanted him, because despite the signals he'd been putting out(Adam is apparently a blind man it seems) Adam never made a move. Tommy takes control then, kissing Adam sweetly.

The first time they make love, Tommy is in control again. He rides Adam like this is far from his first time and Adam doesn't hold in a single word of praise, some lovers didn't like it, thought it was false or too sappy during hot sex. Tommy doesn't seem to think that, smiles at every compliment. Adam hopes he knows he means every one of them as much as he means "I love you" when he whispers it in Tommy's ear as they lay together after they are done. "I love you, too" is almost lost in the press of lips as Tommy kisses him. Tommy had feared Adam would look at him and see flaws and it might be true that everyone has them, but when Adam looks at Tommy, he sees his best friend, his boyfriend, his lover. A beautiful man that he loves with everything in him. He sees his future when he looks at Tommy, sees the man he thinks can make it everything he wants it to be. He know there will still be days when Tommy looks in the mirror and sees someone who is too fat and ugly to be loved, he knows that he cannot stop that from happening, but Adam also knows that he can be there every day to show Tommy what he sees when he looks at him and to show him, that without a doubt, he is loved.

The End.


End file.
